How to Prioritize Relationship Investments of Time
Each summer for the last decade, I’ve spent extensive time with teens volunteering as a camp nurse. This time is precious to me as I get the luxury of heart-to-heart talks about the issues they are struggling to handle in the realities of 21st century teen culture. These concerning crises are reported in the daily national narrative and can seem very far away, but they are very real face-to-face.
eating disorders
anxiety
depression
suicidal thoughts
self-harming behaviors
family conflict
relationship abuse
The individual stories are all unique, yet themes emerging are painfully similar:
No, I haven’t talked to my parents about it.
My parents would be really disappointed if they knew.
I’m too embarrassed to ask for help.
I feel really alone. It doesn’t seem like anyone understands.
Sometimes in today’s world as parents we feel pressure to give our teens things- private pitching lessons, the latest name brand sneakers, a family vacation to a desirable destination, video game accessories, select sports leagues, balayage hair... our motivation is good, and these things may have their proper place in proper time.
But …
What teens really want is our investment of time. Some of you may be thinking, I’m the last person on earth my teen wants to spend more time with! This is a popular misconception. A recent poll showed nearly 70% of teens want to spend more time with their parents. Note, that didn’t say they want to spend ALL their time with you, but MORE time with you. This does not mean your teen will appear to enjoy the experience and rave about it with gushing praise and effusive thanks! Remember, your teen is not a chia pet. What happens when you plant a seed? Nothing, at least for a few days, weeks, or even months. Relationship building is art that takes time and patience.
There’s so much to do and in this season particularly, we feel our children have missed out the last couple of years because of COVID-19. Our instinct as parents is to make up for that and go overboard. We want them to have ALL of the experiences and have ALL of the things. We stress about finding the time and money to make everything just perfect, whether that’s a birthday, a vacation, a sporting season, or a holiday. What they want more than that is for us to listen with our face, our whole attention. They want us to sit on the edge of their bed at night and just listen. They want to see confidence and admiration in our eyes when we talk to them. They want to snuggle on an old beat up couch watching a movie you’ve watched 100 times before. They don’t want you to open your wallet as much as they want you to open your heart.
Here is a self-inventory for honest reflection:
· Do you eat a meal together at least once a week? (Even if it’s fast food in the car or 10 minutes standing at the kitchen counter eating a sandwich together?)
· Do you have a designated tech-free zone or time for conversation? (The car, the dinner table, Tech-Free Tuesday or another idea?)
· Do you have a routine time to ask your teen about their day? (After school snack or car ride, dinner time, bedtime or other? Bonus tip* Change up the usual “How was your day?” and simply try “Tell me how your day went today.”
· In the last month, have you intentionally engaged in an activity you don’t normally like but your teen enjoys? (Volunteer to play a video game, a round of golf, or have a makeover!)
· Have you volunteered for any kind of community service together in the last six months?
· Have you scheduled a family fun night with a mutually chosen activity?
Reflect: In what ways are you prioritizing investing financial or material resources over relational investments with your teen?