How To Give Yourself Grace and Find Hope

Aug 2

There are many types of parents but did you know some types have been studied?

(From Clinical Psychologist Dr. Poulter:)

Perfectionist:

Over-controlling, motivated by fear of others’ opinion whose children tend to be self-critical and emotionally empty, feeling they’ll never measure up

Unpredictable:

Angry, chaotic, drama-addicted, overwhelmingly controlled by emotions & feelings whose children are usually very empathetic and read others well but have a need to take on other people’s strong emotional needs as a caretaker

Best friend:

Treats children as equals to avoid responsibilities & boundaries, whose children often feel motherless & emotionally neglected & fear rejection.

Me-First:

Self-absorbed, they expect children to learn early in life their purpose is to make their mother the star & center of attention, whose children are loyal and supportive but distrust their feelings & can’t make decisions because they devalue their personal preference

Complete:

Only about 10% of mothers, combining the best elements of all four styles - imperfect but emotionally balanced, sees children as individuals and supports achievement of independence, embraces change, gives insight & values others, committed to motherhood

In reflecting on my own parenting style (and being a Baylor nurse!), I’ve adopted the following:

Mama Bear: a nice way of saying I can be cuddly and playful but I’ll eat you alive if you mess with my cub. I think this is a perfect picture of a mama bear - I want my cubs to navigate the wilderness of adolescence with confidence & effective survival skills! I don’t want to be a helicopter mom - hovering over every step - just close enough to protect if imminent danger approaches. I don’t want to be a lawnmower mom - mowing down every obstacle in their path & depriving them of developing survival skills. All this is easier said and done.

As a pediatric nurse practitioner, professor, and mom of four teens at once, my heart aches these days and I honestly worry… a lot. Sometimes I can’t sleep. Sometimes I just feel like eating ice cream and binge watching something ridiculous. Sometimes I cry on the floor of my closet so my kids don’t see (even though I know they do). Sometimes I’m just overwhelmed.

Take a look at my newsfeed for what’s on my radar as a child health advocate.

State Of Children’s Mental Health Continuing To Worsen

Drug Overdose Deaths Among Teens More Than Doubled

Children Unprepared For School Environment, Lack Basic Life Skills Due To Pandemic Disruptions

Rates Of STDs Increased During Pandemic

Older Children, Teens At Greater Risk Of Severe MIS-C After SARS-CoV-2

Just 20% Of Sexually Active High School Students Were Tested For STIs

Racial Disparities In Childhood Exposure To Firearm Violence Grows

More Than A Quarter Of US Parents Said Their Child Has Seen A Mental Health Specialist Over The Course Of The COVID-19 Pandemic

Researchers Examine Overdose Deaths Among Teens

These are tough times for parents and kids. The emotional, psychological, and social trauma collectively experienced by the pandemic will impact generations to come. It's enough to make the strongest heart hurt at these words.

Many times we evaluate our success as parents on the actions of our children and try to manipulate their behavior rather than consider the source of it. In other words, we have to change our behavior to change theirs on a healthy way.

This is a hard life truth: It’s not our teens’ job to validate our parenting choices. It’s not.

Parenting places so many demands upon us. It can be overwhelming. We long for a moment to ourselves as a steady stream of demanding requests relentlessly pelt our days. We think of these demands as draining, exhausting, and if we are honest, costly in many ways- financially, emotionally, relationally, physically and mentally.

What if we flipped the narrative? When our children are in need, what if instead of perceiving that as costing us something, we see it as an opportunity to invest in something in the future?

See, the dividends there aren’t instant. They pay off in the future. Every sacrificial act of love and service is building your brand as a mom, a brand your children carry with them forward-facing. You are investing in your impact on the future the world.

In a world that seems completely turned upside down, we are bombarded by news of death, disease, rioting, war, and all other kinds of things that seemed so unimaginable just a short time ago. It seems like the only thing that is certain is uncertainty. I find myself deeply changed in the way I talk to my children. Life seems a little more fragile. I hold them a little closer. I caveat any plans with “all conditions permitting.” Our kids need to see confidence from us, even when we don’t feel it. We can’t do that on our own strength.

Did you fail yesterday?

Did you speak words you regret?

Did you have moments you weren’t at your best?

Did you give up when you should have pressed in?

Were you impatient?

But…

This I call to mind,

and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

His mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

I still wake up in the morning and find hope, a reason to keep trying. I want you to know there is a huge and beautiful army of pediatric nurses, nurse practitioners, and other pediatric health professionals who have dedicated our life’s work to supporting kids!

Hear us say this clearly: