How to Be An Effective Character Builder

Are you brave enough to do a parenting gut check today? 

Is your kids’ room a trainwreck?

Maybe yours is too. 

Is your teen too assertive and challenges  authority?

Maybe you do too.

Is your teen  irresponsible and forgetful, and never follows through?

Maybe you forget you told them you’d be there.

Is your teen constantly losing things?

Maybe you are in desperate need of a key finder yourself.

I find myself frustrated because my teen is impatient and nagging me to get in the car to take them where they need to go. Me:, “Can’t you just WAIT a MINUTE?! Be patient, for heaven’s sake!”

…also me to my hubby later that afternoon “What is taking you so looonnngg?! Come on, let’s GO!” 

We have to recognize many of our kids’ challenging traits are ones we gave them. Instead of beating your head against the wall trying to get them to stop it for heaven’s sake…

What if…

You put more effort into changing your behavior, knowing they imitate us way more than we realize.

Sometimes as parents, we get so discouraged when a particular struggle seems to dominate the daily narrative. 

Do you feel like you’re saying the same thing over and over and over again? 

Flip the narrative. Imagine each time you give those instructions (again), you’re watering a plant. Do you expect a beautiful instant plant the first time you water it? No. So, be encouraged to keep on watering the seeds you’re planting.

True story… my mother-in-law gave me a beautiful baby tree in a silver vase the day my oldest child was born. We were supposed to plant it and take photos of our baby growing alongside the tree (reminiscent of the Giving Tree, swooning with nostalgia)…

But…

It died in the first week! (cue the famous oh no song from TikTok)… Thankfully I’m better at growing kids than growing plants! 

When in conflict and in those seasons of discouragement, it is so natural for us as parents to generalize poor behavior choices into character accusations. 

Here’s the really sobering thing. Our words matter. What we say matters. Our teens are listening carefully to what we say, despite their impressive show of pretend indifference. 

More importantly, your kids believe what you say about them. 

Have you ever found yourself in an argument with your teen when you start making “you are” statements?

You are so rude!

You are so disrespectful!

You are something else!

You are unbelievable!

You are so irresponsible!

You are so frustrating!

You are such a pain!

You are so inconsiderate!

Ouch. 

In the moment, our frustrations simply gets the best of us as parents. 

What we really mean in these moments is something like:

Your choice today was inconsiderate of my schedule.

The words you chose just now were disrespectful. 

The way you treated your siblings in this situation was hurtful. 

Not following through on your commitment put an extra burden on someone else. 

The way you are looking at me and rolling your eyes is rude. 

Do you see the difference?

In one case, we are saying - 

“I don’t like your behavior.”

In the other, what our teens hear is - 

“I don’t like you.”

Next time you get frustrated with your teen, address their behavior as a temporary struggle without generalizing it as an attack on the core of their character. What they do is much easier to change than who they are in your eyes. 

Your teen’s greatest accomplishments should be praised in their character, not their accomplishments. Despite popular sentiments to the contrary, most teens really do have a strong inner desire for the approval of their parents. They inherently want to be known, loved, and accepted. 

In today’s world, we are conditioned to give praise based on accomplishments and skills - sports, academics, outward beauty, measures of popularity, social accolades... the list goes on and on. As parents, we should send the message that our kids’ greatest achievements come from their character - being considerate, respectful, loving, kind, courageous, honest, generous, helpful, compassionate... that list goes on and on too. 

Teens gain confidence through success, so praise their success and give them specific encouragement that helps craft their identity through the lens of their character and not their accomplishments. You are influencing their self-portrait. When you make “You are” statements, are they followed by words of praise for a specific character trait?

“You are so brave for trying something new like that.”

“You are so thoughtful for making dinner on a night you know I was so tired.”

“You are so fun to be around. I really enjoy your company.”

Be encouraged today parents! Keep on watering!

Reflect: Think of a character trait or traits you admire in your teen. Intentionally show admiration for that today. Send a text, tell them in person, put a card on their bed... do something to intentionally give affirmation and praise.